Acatery Privacy Policy
Your privacy is very important to us, so we have made available this Privacy Policy to explain how we collect and use your personal information. Please read this policy to learn more about the ways we use and protect your personal information. By visiting our site, you indicate that you have read, understood, and agree to the terms of this Privacy Policy.
Information Acatery Collects
Acatery uses HTML forms, cookies, click tracking, web bugs, order forms, registration forms, surveys, spam, and Orbital Mind-Control Lasers to collect the following personally identifying information about you:
- Name
- Age
- Gender
- Address
- Date of birth
- Height/Weight
- Hair color/length/styling
- Marital status
- Sexual orientation/frequency/ability/quality
- Income and credit history
- Places of employment
- Detailed medical records
- Social Security and other official government ID numbers
- Educational history, including your "permanent record"
- Technical information, including:
- Access times and pages
- IP address
- Web browser and version
- Referring URL(s)
- Operating system
- Potential exploits for your OS
We also purchase and rent databases from organizations such as the Social Security Administration, Experian, the FBI, JetBlue, the Medical Information Bureau, your coworkers, friends, and family, and a number of other corporations to supplement our database.
How Acatery Uses Your Personal Information
We use your information for a variety of services, including: day-to-day operations of our site, customizing your user experience, promotion of "safe sex" education, obtainment of revenge (served cold), influence of elections, tracking of the migration of white-tailed deer, and the advancement of our agenda of world domination (note: we will bury you).
How Your Personal Information is Shared
We regularly sell, share, and rent our database for money, gifts, sexual favors, and/or for free in a personally-identifying matter with the following:
- Advertisers
- Our network services providers
- Members of the Acatery community
- Law enforcement requests, legal and extralegal
- Spammers
- Telemarketers
- Dictionary salesmen
- Jehovah's Witnesses
- Fugitives on the lam (both with and without hearts of gold)
- Mary Kay Cosmetics and other multi-level marketing schemes
- Your jilted ex-lovers
How to "Opt-Out"
If you wish to "opt-out" and be removed from our database, we are happy to oblige. To do so, please hand-deliver to our head office (located at the bottom of the Marianas Trench) your name and e-mail address etched on quarter-inch thick stainless steel in Classical Sumerian cuneiform (circa First Dynasty of Lagash). Bring three forms of government-issued photo identification and a one-time processing fee of $235.42 USD.